Conquered
by remsir
Summary: Through secrets, through pranks, through love, through hate, through beauty, through war, and through death, our love has conquered it all. SBRL Slash Marauderend of Harry's fifth year
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One.

_Remus_

Most people reserve the expression "that time of the month" to describe a woman's menstrual cycle, but for Remus Lupin, the expression took on a whole new meaning. Beast, werewolf, lycanthropy, creature, furry little problem, whatever you decided to call it, it made no difference. It was what it was. Once a month, by the light of the full moon, quiet, reserved Remus would transform into a werewolf. At those times, he could rip his best friend to pieces, and not feel bad about it at the time. All self-control pushed aside, Remus Lupin was a murderer, a beast once a month.

Remus knew all too well how it was to be received. People who knew about his condition looked at him with fear. The ministry would rather him dead. Even his own parents acted as though his "condition", as they called it, was a nuisance, and they were all too glad to ship him off to Hogwarts once he turned eleven. The only people who really accepted him for what he is were his best friends James, Peter, Rose, Lily, and Sirius. They sacrificed everything for him. They helped him speak to Dumbledore about his condition, and they always made sure to take notes for him the next day. They even broke the law and became unregistered animagi for him. But Sirius, he did the most.

Sirius was the one that would skive off his morning classes to be with Remus after a particularly painful transformation. Sirius was the one who help nurse him back to health. He was the one who carried an unconscious Remus to the hospital wing. It was only Sirius who made Remus realize he was bisexual.

Of course, no one knew that he was bisexual yet and, of course, no one knew that he fancied Sirius.

_No, I do not fancy Sirius! Well, maybe I used to, but Sirius is straight._ A battle was raging inside Remus' head. Since the second year, Remus had known that he liked Sirius, and liked him a lot. As the years came and went, he realized that he had no chance with Sirius. By the end of his fourth year he had 'gotten over' Sirius. But he really hadn't. He still loved how Sirius' brown eyes were so rugged, manly. He loved the way Sirius' hair fell into his face. He still loved every inch of Sirius' body. Every inch he couldn't have. It was crazy, it was absolute torture.

Remus sighed and started packing all of his belongings. In two days, he would be leaving for Hogwarts, his sixth year. But he wouldn't be coming home again. He couldn't take knowing his parents didn't really love him. He knew it was time to move on.

Before the bite, Remus was just a normal boy. His parents had a considerable amount of money, and treated him well. That was then and this is now, after the 'incident' as his parents called it. It was as if his life, and all the events in it, was split into two categories: before the bite, and after it. Before the bite he was just a small child, whose parents loved him dearly. He was full of innocence, and every thing he did mirrored that happiness. After the bite, however, nothing was the same. He could no longer wear that mask of ignorance. He was no longer the child he used to be, and he was no longer treated as such. It was as if he was a different person altogether. Remus closed his eyes as he packed the last item away. He could still remember the day he was bitten; it visited him in his dreams all too often.

_"Remus, darling, you have to do as I say. Daddy has someone very angry with him, and it's not safe for you to go outside alone tonight. You'll just have to owl Danny and tell him that you can't go out tonight." Mrs. Lupin looked sadly at her son. She didn't want him to get hurt because of something that had nothing to do with him. But tonight was the full moon, and, by all costs, she was going to keep Remus inside._

_"But, Mummy, Danny and I wanna go up the hill where the moon looks as big as the sky!" Remus whined. At age five, he couldn't understand why, on this particular night, he was not allowed to go out._

_"I said no, and that's final. I'll lock you in your room if I have to, but, by God, you are not leaving his house!" Linda Lupin winced mentally. She didn't like to yell at her child._

_Remus left the room, putting on a fake face of defeat. But inside his head, he was scheming. He had to get out of the house…_

_Remus panted as he climbed up the hill. It was five minutes to nine, and he had to get there before nine o'clock. He wanted to scare Danny when he arrived. The air was warm and humid, with a slight breeze. Remus stopped walking for a moment, to catch his breath, when he heard a low growl. Thinking it was a dog; Remus abandoned his idea of getting to the top of the hill before Danny, and went to go find it. He loved dogs. He had always loved dogs._

_He heard the growl again, but this time it was accompanied by a pair of yellow eyes, delusional with hunger. Remus shivered, this was probably not a good dog. He turned around and started up the hill again. A split second of confusion, white teeth, yellow eyes, and Remus found himself on the ground with a bloody chest. The dog had bit him. But it couldn't have been a dog…_

_He closed his eyes in exhaustion, but all he could see were those yellow eyes, and suddenly comprehension dawned on him. A werewolf had bitten him, not a dog. He opened his eyes to find himself in St. Mungo's, his parents looking warily at him. And, from that moment on, everything was forever changed. Gone, were the smiles from his parents' faces, gone were the reassuring words. There was no comfort in their eyes anymore. Remus was utterly alone. His parents no longer cared for him. Now, they were scared of him._

**Sirius**

Sirius Black's eyes snapped open, and he tried to remember the dream he was having. It had been erotic. But, like always, he could never tell who kept dreaming about. He only knew that the person had many scars around her body, but it couldn't really be female, now that he though about it. **Great, now I'm a poof!** Sirius shook his head, as if to rid it of the dream, and looked at his watch. It was 7:00 a.m., and in four hours time he would be on his way to Hogwarts. Sirius got up and started to put on some clothes and brush his hair. He looked around his room, ensuring that everything was packed.

He frowned as he picked up his hairbrush. He wasn't welcome at home any longer because he was actually a decent person, and didn't fall for the pureblood bullshit his parents fed him and his brother. So his parents and Regulus ignored him and made him suffer when he was home, which wasn't often at all. Sirius went down the stairs, nearly tripping over the pathetic excuse for a house-elf, Kreacher. Ignoring the elf's mutterings about what a filthy arse he was, Sirius went into the kitchen to start breakfast. Just as he was frying the eggs, his mother arrived, rather noisily, into the kitchen.

"Worthless boy!" Arayma Black shrieked. "I like my eggs scrambled, not fried!"

"Yes, mother," replied Sirius, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"You can't do anything right, can you, you ungrateful little thing? I give you a home, I give you food, and you can't even manage to give me, the woman who gave birth to you, a halfway edible meal! You are turning of age in December, and you will not step foot in this house again. Don't you think I want you in my house, oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no, you're going to move out. And don't come running back to me when you can't find yourself a flat. I told you, I tried to warn you!" By this point, Mrs. Black was muttering more to herself than to her elder son. Mrs. Black was growing old, and her sanity seemed to be rapidly deteriorating. She was always muttering to herself, and wasn't in the right mind half of the time. At the moment, however, she knew exactly what she was talking about.

"I warned you, alright, about running around with dirty half-bloods, and my own son! It would be foolish to even call you a pureblood." Sirius' mother went on like this for five minutes. It was only when Sirius said that the eggs were ready that she snapped back to reality. "And straight after breakfast, you can grab the portkey to the platform," she added, before wolfing down her breakfast.

Sirius groaned inwardly. It would be hard finding a flat. He didn't have much money, and it would be foolish to assume his mother would be giving him any. **At least Uncle Alphard left me some gold**, thought Sirius, with a twinge of hope. But he doubted it'd be enough.

The thought of living with James had crossed his mind, but he would hate to have to ask his friend for such a favor. He and James had an odd relationship. They were close, like brothers. They did everything together, but something was missing from their friendship. He couldn't confide in James, so, in a sense, Remus was more of a friend to him when it came to the relationship stuff.

Sirius thought about his array of friends, their relationships were complicated, and somewhat stressed at points. They were the Marauders, of course, he, James, Peter, and Remus. They were friends to the end, nothing could change that. But then there was the situation with James, Lily, and Rose. Of course, James fancied Lily, but Lily didn't hand out with the Marauders. In fact, she thought them to be rather stupid, and he couldn't blame her.

Then there was Rose. What a name, Rose. She was of utmost beauty, a rare, raw kind that draws a person to her, as if passion and lust radiated off of her skin. Needless to say, she had shagged almost half the school. But she wasn't a slag. She was always depressed about one thing or another, and was closer friends with Remus. She was like the bridge between Lily and the Marauders. She was Lily's best friend, but she hung around the Marauders a lot, too. She was very likeable, and a good student (though, admittedly not amazing). She engaged in some of their rule-breaking, but she always knew when to stop. And everyone loved her.

Despite James' closeness and Rose's beauty, Sirius felt closest to Remus. There was something about Remus that knocked some sense into you when you needed it. He could always come to Remus, and never feel as though he would be laughed at. In a manner of speaking, their friendship was deeper than him and James'.

Sirius ate his breakfast quickly, and started to head out the door to catch the portkey. It would be activated in five minutes. He had hoped that maybe his parents would at least say goodbye, but when it became apparent that they weren't, he headed out the door.

Sirius stumbled a bit, and then straightened himself out. As he walked out of the dark alley that he landed in, he saw that it was a bright, beautiful day outside. He checked his watch; it was only 8:30. He had to find something to do, so he started walking in hopes that some of the Muggle stores would have something interesting in them. Two hours later, he started heading back to the station, praying he would find Prongs, Moony, or Wormtail, his best friends. He walked around aimlessly for about twenty minutes, until he heard someone shout, "Padfoot!" He turned around, and smiled upon seeing his best friend.

"Good to see you Moony, old friend."

And so began the relationship between Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.


	2. Chapter 2

_Remus_

I could never understand Sirius' amazing ability to whirl out jokes and retorts at a moments notice: "Moony, my old friend". Honestly, we had just seen each other a week ago. Putting aside his humor, my stomach unknotted itself in relief. I had begun to get anxious when I couldn't find anybody around the platform. I walked over to Sirius, no, I ran. But I tried to look calm, as though I hadn't just raced over to him because I had felt alone on the platform. I hate that feeling, when you're all alone, and you can't find a familiar face, and you're wondering whether you're going to get to the train on time.

Needless to say, I'm a bit of a worrier.

"Sirius, old buddy, old friend, it's been what? Two weeks? Whatever have I done without you?" I replied, gasping. I extended my hand to receive a handshake, maybe a clap on the shoulder, but he pulled me into a tight one-armed hug. My head spun with the combination of his scent, and my joy at being so close to him. But just as quickly as it had started, it was over.

"So!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands once as if nothing unusual had just happened. "Where is that Jamesie that we so dearly love?"

That stung, right there. _He's always looking for James, as if James were more important to him than me._ James appeared out of the crowd, and Sirius shrieked like a little girl and jumped up and down.

"JAMES! Oh my god, James, it's been SO LONG! How have you been? How are the wife and kids?" Sirius joked, dropping his suitcase dramatically. He ran to James, as if they had not seen each other for years. James immediately caught on, and started joking back.

"SIRIUS? Is that you? Oh, my gosh! I could hardly recognize you!" I was starting to get impatient. They were acting as if I weren't even there. I had never felt so bad for the ghosts at Hogwarts. The Hogwarts Expressed whistled loudly. We had about thirty seconds to board the train. I glanced over at Sirius and James, who were still exchanging hugs and joking around, and I looked away. _Sirius will always like James better._

"Unless you idiots want to miss the train, I suggest you stop acting like you're bloody five years old." I stormed onto the train. I had no idea why they had gotten me so upset. But, they were sixteen, already! When would they grow up? I distantly heard someone call my name in a whiney voice, but I just ran faster. I ran until I reached the bathrooms, where I changed into my robes, and set off for the Prefect's carriage. Still fuming, I tuned out the Head Boy and Girl. It didn't matter what they said. I went back to the bathroom to think.

In a way, I felt betrayed by Sirius. We, the Marauders, had pledged that we would always treat each other equally, but Sirius had been getting so close to James. How could they treat us the same? Was there even enough friendship to go around? It kind of hurt. I knew I didn't have a chance with Sirius sexually, but was I going to lose him as a friend, as well? It was a horrible feeling. Tears started welling up in my eyes, but instead I laughed silently at myself. What a stupid reason to cry! Letting my mind analyze my emotions, I realized Sirius probably didn't even know that he'd been ignoring me.

When I had sorted out my thoughts, I went in search of Sirius and James. They had probably already found Peter, as well.

"Hey, Remus, why did you go running off like that? Is everything okay?" Sirius asked, concerned. I smiled a little.

"Yeah, I'm fine. You know me, always worrying I won't get on the Express on time," I replied. It was true; I was always anal when it came to catching trains and buses. We all chuckled a bit, and I relaxed, challenging Peter to a game of chess. After an hour, we suddenly got very bored. There was an extended awkward silence, then…

"Well now, this is rather boring, isn't it? No, don't answer. I know it is. But never fear, my dear Marauders. Fun is just a puff away!" Sirius announced climactically as he pulled out a dime bag of marijuana. I immediately grew alert. Here, on the train? _Is he bloody mad? I mean, I'm up for a smoke once in a while, but this is hardly the appropriate time!_

"Are you mad, Sirius? We'll get caught on our first day back!" After a thoughtful pause, Sirius' face lit up (ooh, how I love that).

"Well, we can do magic, right? And I know a spell to make a passerby not smell anything, and I'm sure we can just blow the smoke out of the window. Don't worry, Moony, old fellow. All we would experience high is Dumbledore's speech, nothing major." He gave me the pleading puppy-dog eyes, and, oh, how could I say no? Besides, he was right. Anyways, I hadn't smoked in a while. Just then Rose came into our compartment. _Perfect timing, Rosie, darling._

"Sirius mentioned a smoke earlier, and I was wondering if maybe I could join you? I have much better shit; I stole it from my parents." We laughed. Rose's parents were Muggles, and smoked more Mary-J than all of us, combined.

"Sure, Rose, we'd be delighted if you would join us. But please, don't tell Lily," begged James. I smiled to myself. All hopes of James and Lily being together would be shattered if she knew James did pot. Sirius withdrew a lighter, a multi-colored bowl, and weed. Then he lit up. I mumbled a couple of spells, and took a hit too.

**Sirius**

You know that feeling, behind your eyes when you're high? It kind of…infects your head, a heavy but content kind of feeling. That's how I was feeling twenty minutes after I first pulled out the weed. I glanced around the compartment. Rose was lying on the floor, her eyes closed, singing a sweet tune to herself. I turned my head, and the lights around the room blurred. I found myself face-to-face with Remus. He was staring at me, and I stared at him too.

Something passed between us then. It was like rays of light were connecting our eyes. The room became hazy, but he was still very much in focus. A feeling rose in my chest, it was warm, and longing. My chest ached. **Why am I feeling this way? This is definitely weird.** But I didn't look away, and neither did he. I found myself wanting to do things I had never thought of myself doing with a man. I found myself wanting to kiss his red, plump lips; to hold his skinny body.

At first the feeling seemed foreign to me. But as I stared into those chocolate colored eyes, my childhood flashed before me, and the feeling seemed present the whole time. **I guess I've always been in love with you, Remus. Well, that's something new, I guess, feeling this way. But I feel as though I've always felt this way, but it's been hidden underneath something. Fear, I guess. Fear that you wouldn't feel the same way.**

**It's funny how marijuana can bring things out of you that you never realized, or never wanted to realize. **

Suddenly, my eyes stung a bit, and I closed them, lazily. But his face stayed hovering in front of me. He was there, smiling at me, kissing me. We were surrounded by swirling lights. Merlin, this was good shit. I got lost in my thoughts, thoughts of him. Everything seemed perfect, there was no mother screaming at me, no father hitting me, no brother taunting me. There was just Remus sitting there, smiling at me.

All the multi-colored clouds that were in my vision vanished as a voice rang throughout the train.

"We will be arriving at Hogwarts in ten minutes time. Please, leave your luggage on the train. It will be brought up to your dormitories."

It was like being dropped from the sky, and flat on your bum into reality. I looked around the compartment again. James and Peter were laughing maniacally at some joke, and Rose and Remus were having a philosophical discussion. Suddenly, the whole situation seemed funny. We would be arriving at school stoned out of our minds. I laughed and walked, or rather stumbled, out of the compartment to put on my robes.

After much unnecessary laughter, strange arm movements, and more laughing, we finally got our robes on. The train stopped, a little too sharply for our tastes, and we all fell to the floor. I didn't feel the impact of the fall. In fact, it took a while to register that I had fallen at all. We got up, and finally made it out of the train.

I felt like I was floating as I left the Express. The cool night air stung my face, and then turned pleasant. I wanted nothing more than to just stay outside all night. To lie down on the cool grass, look at the stars, and never get up again.

"Sirius, wha…what are you doing? C'mon, less go." Remus' voice penetrated every particle of my body. I opened my eyes, and was surprised to find that I was sitting on the damp, lush grass. A sudden image invaded my mind: Remus as a knight. How odd. I giggled.

"Thanks, Remus, mate, you saved me." I didn't even know what I was saying. Remus shot me a confused look. "No, I'm serious. Hey, I am Sirius! But really, I would have lied down here all night, but you saved me. Saved me from the depths of my own…" What was I trying to say? If it had once made sense, it was forgotten.

"Where are James and Peter? Never mind, c'mon, Serious…Sirius. Less get on the carriages."

The carriage ride was quiet; we were all absorbed in our own pleasant thoughts. The rest was a blur, most of it. I vaguely remember the feast, Dumbledore giving us a speech about inter-house unity. And then we went up to our dormitories.

Now I lay down in my bed, and wondered how I got through the evening. I was really, really stoned. I loved going to sleep high.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Sirius

It had been a week since the first day of school. Seven days of utter confusion, and a sexual identity crisis. And I am not exaggerating. Was I gay? Bi? Straight but crazy? When had that all become so confusing? It was all Remus' fault, damn it, why did he have to be so attractive?

I had been testing myself all that week- staring at women, and staring at men; wanking to the thought of women, and wanking to the thought of men… well, just one man. I still cannot figure it out though, what turns me on? I need to have some action with a girl, test if I like it or not.

It would all have been so much easier if had been attracted to more than one bloke. But it was only Remus. And some days I told myself I was straight, and some days I told myself I was gay. And other days I tell myself that it's okay and I can be bi.

So there I was, alone in the common room. It was around midnight, and I couldn't go to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about that whole sexual identity crisis. Unexpectedly, however, somebody came through the portrait hole and stepped into the common room, interrupting my thoughts momentarily.

"Sirius, is that you? What are you doing up so late?" It was only Rose, looking a bit flushed and disheveled; she was probably coming back from some action she'd been getting that night. I didn't even know what to say- I just shrugged, and stared, and thought. But Rose didn't leave, and suddenly I was hit with a great idea: _Rose is pretty- I could shag her, and see if I like it._ It occurred to me that that might be a mean thing to do, using my friend to solve my own crisis, but then I reasoned that she would understand.

"I was just studying a little bit. Want to join me?" Although my voice was seductive, I felt nothing. I heard Rose sigh. It was weird, as if she knew my exact intentions- not only the fact that I wanted to shag her, but also _why_. She sat next to me, and I played the seductive role again.

"You know, Rose, you have the most sensual lips…" and then I leaned in and I kissed her. She kissed me back; I deepened the kiss and stuck my tongue into her mouth. Nothing. It was quite boring, kind of like a chore. I felt like I was just trying to please the other person, that there was nothing there; no hard-on, no pleasure. Just my tongue against hers. At that moment I realized that I was gay.

I pushed her away, saying, "Rose, I can't… I mean, it's not that you're not pretty- it's just that…" I was at a loss for words. How was I supposed to explain to my friend that I wanted to see if I was gay or not by fucking her, but before we could be done with kissing I had realized that nothing was there?

She saved me the trouble. "Okay, let me guess," she said. "You've been going through a sexual identity crisis and you wanted to know whether you are straight or not. I guess it turns out you're gay. It's fine, that's what Rose is for, right? Hogwart's little slut?" She stood up quickly. "Good night, Sirius, and good luck with being gay." And with that she started crying, and ran off to the girl's dormitory before I could do anything.

"Whenever I think back on that evening, I feel horrible- what kind of an asshole was I to use my friend like that? At the time, though, I didn't care too much. There were more important matters at hand." There were more important matters at hand; I was gay. I guess I expected that that realization would feel horrible, but it didn't. A sort of peace flooded over me, an amazing happiness and freedom. I could think of Remus, and there would be no confusion. _I need a cigarette_…

It was times like those, sitting on the windowsill next to my bed and smoking a cigarette, that I loved muggles for their inventions. I put the cigarette between my lips, and lit it with my wand. I watched the little puffs of smoke disappear into the dark sky

It was a beautiful night out; the stars were numerous, and the moon looked like a little silver toe-nail clipping in the dark sky.

It felt as if I was a different person altogether, and that everyday things would now reflect that. Sleeping with six other men in the same room; taking my showers and changing my clothes, all in the presence of men.

"I'm gay." I whispered out loud, but directed the statement towards myself.

As I looked out the window into the majestic night sky I found myself wanting to go outside, and lie on the cool grass and look at the stars.

I heard somebody shuffle in their sleep, and the next thing I knew I heard Remus' husky voice asking me for a cigarette…

Remus

I had been watching him the whole time, of course. I had watched him enter the dormitory with a sad but peaceful look on his face. I had watched him sit on the windowsill and smoke a cigarette, the moon giving enough light to illuminate him though it was only a tiny sliver in the sky. He had looked pensive at first, then a little bit worried. I had watched the expressions on his face, and I had memorized them. How he held his hand with the cigarette in it: under his chin, creating the clichéd pensive look. I had watched the switch between pensive and worried; how he took a deep puff off the cigarette, and looked out the window.

I had also heard him whisper, "I am gay" Into the dark night. Well, that was a surprise- this was Sirius, the most handsome guy at Hogwarts, the one all the girls wished to have, the same Sirius that had probably laid most of the girls in our year. And now this Sirius was gay?

If this alien feeling of passion had not driven me, I would have never gotten up, but it felt right to join him right there, smoking a cigarette. As I walked from my bed to the windowsill, I found myself not knowing what to say. He looked so beautiful right then; I thought my voice might betray my feelings.

I thought that a cigarette would calm me down, so I found myself saying, "Hey, Sirius, mind if I join you for a smoke?"

I don't think he was expecting that- his head turned quickly, and he stared at me in disbelief before nodding his head slowly. I sat down on the windowsill and I took a cigarette. I found in myself a mood of daring that I had never known before, a type of confidence. Had I not been drunk by this feeling, I never would have said, "So, you're gay then?"

The reaction Sirius gave was almost comical; he dropped his cigarette, and whispered, "What did you say? Oh God, you heard it, didn't you? Shit." I felt a bit bad; he obviously thought that I would make fun of him.

"Hey, Sirius, it's okay- I'm bisexual, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Although, I must admit, Mr. Lady's Man being gay is a bit of a shock to me. So, how and when did you figure this out?" And I wasn't lying, it was a shock. But it also opened up so many opportunities.

"It's because of one man," he began to confess, his voice getting steadier. "This one guy… I don't know, I guess I've always lov-liked him… but I only realized it recently. And ever since then it's been a sexual identity crisis, I guess. So then I did something stupid- but I wanted to figure it out, you know? God, Remus, I did something stupid. Rose- I snogged her and then pushed her off, and she started crying, and she ran away, and I couldn't apologize. I hurt her, I guess, but then I figured out that I was gay, and not bi." His voice choked up a bit, "And there's still this guy…"

"Anyone you want to tell me?" Of course I knew, knew it was none of my business. But I was feeling daring, and how could I resist?

I didn't expect such a look of horror on his face though when he said, "No, I can't tell you. You would laugh, everything would be ruined between…' He coughed to cover up his obvious slip of words. "So, you're bi, then?" he was obviously trying to change the subject, but I didn't push it.

"What can I say? Free love!" I said with a bit of a chuckle. He grinned as he looked out of the window. And we just sat there, on the windowsill smoking our cigarettes, and saying nothing. That feeling rose in my chest again; that powerful feeling of longing, of needing warmth, love, anything from the person sitting across from me. I found myself staring at his face, my soul full of this longing. It took all the will power in the world to stop me from kissing him right there. His lips were slightly parted, and red; I studied every part of him. Every part that I knew I could never have. Every few seconds I would tell myself _just do it, just lean over and kiss him! _But I couldn't; I couldn't just lean over and kiss him.

So we continued to sit there on the windowsill, and we finished our cigarettes, but Sirius took out another one; Sirius never chain smoked unless something was wrong. He handed me one too, and I took it, wanting to spend more time with him in the moonlight like this.

"You know Sirius, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. I would understand, especially about the whole gay thing." I was true to my words; I really did want to help him.

He snapped out of his reverie, and looked at me with wide, grateful and surprised eyes, "I know, Remus; I can always come to you…" He was being abnormally quiet.

It was nice, being with him, smoking our cigarettes, and I didn't want anything to ruin our friendship, and I couldn't help feeling that if I sat with him any longer, then this instinctual part of me, I guess the wolf part of me, would take over and I would ruin it for everyone.

So I finished my cigarette and said goodnight to Sirius, and as I lay in my bed, I thought about the situation. Sirius was gay; that changed a lot of things. There was a sudden hope that I could finally have him. Part of me, of course, told me that the chances of this happening remained slim- still, the hope was there, and it would not go away. Or was I just being optimistic to the point of foolishness?

Sirius

The next day was a day to patch things up with Rose- and to understand what had happened the night before with Remus.

After Remus had left, I'd felt a… a _void_, if that was possible- to feel the absence of something instead of something that is there. Evidently it is possible because I felt it. And it's not something I like to feel at all…

My perfect opportunity to apologize to Rose came that day at breakfast. I saw her walking from the Gryffindor table by herself and I pulled her aside. But when I looked at her I found that I had no idea what to say.

"Rose…" And then I let it all out, told her everything. I told her about my sexual identity crisis, and I even told her about how Remus is the one that I lov-like. No I don't love Remus, for God's sake, I'm only seventeen! I have potential to love him, but I don't yet. I don't take "love" lightly.

I told her about my feeling of longing that makes my chest hurt, I told her about the night before and about my uncertainty about what to do, and I told her about how much of an arse I was for not even thinking before doing something.

" Hey, Sirius, it's all good- I mean, it's like this, man: I have done shit with a lot of people, guys and girls alike, with people I hate, and people who are my friends. The young, the old, the ugly, the pretty. I've screwed pretty much all of them. And it's all because I've been searching to remedy this empty void I've been feeling. It aches with longing, kind of like what you're saying. So I have sex, and I snog people, and for that moment it remedies the feeling. But then I just feel the same again. So I don't blame you. I'm not angry at you, either. I blame myself." She smiled a kind of said smile and said, "And that is the drama of Rose" and she laughed that scratchy laugh that isn't a happy laugh. I felt bad for her, and sincerely hoped that she could someday find the solution to that problem- but I was happy and immensely relieved that she did not blame me. It felt like a weight had been taken off of my shoulders.

Only ten minutes into Binn's class, and James was fast asleep- and drooling out of the corner of his mouth. Peter was snacking on some toast he hadn't finish at breakfast, and Remus was taking notes, but looking half dead. I was actually devising some ideas for our sixth year of Marauding. It had become a tradition, at the beginning of each year to put together some goals and plans for tricks, spells, pranks and more.

I was trying to figure out a way that all four of us could sneak into the kitchens at night; we couldn't all fit in the invisibility cloak at once. My head was running with ideas, all of them bad, but I felt like I was getting close to a brilliant idea… and then I thought of it. In my excitement I nearly gasped out loud, but managed to change it into a cough. I quickly scrawled down an outline of my idea, replicated it twice, and flew them to James, Peter, and Remus.

It took James a moment to wake up, and Peter dropped his piece of toast in surprise, but they all managed to unfold the papers without Binns noticing anything. They looked down at the papers, read them quickly and gave me thumbs up. My idea was to make a map, a map that would show all of Hogwarts, and where people are at certain times. This map would also have a password that only we would know. I thought it would be a brilliant idea, but it would be quite hard to make; locking and unlocking charms, tracing charms, and not to mention the actual mapping of all of Hogwarts. It would be tough work, but if we were able to finish it by this year, it would be amazing…

"We could sneak into the Restriction Section in the library!"

"We could sneak into the kitchens to get food!"

"We could sneak into the Slytherin common room and dye all of the Slytherins' hair pink!"

We were all in the library searching for things that could help us with the map, and discussing what we could use it for. Remus was pouring through Most Advanced Charms, and other books to try to find a way to make the map able to trace every student and teacher. James was working on looking for good enough locking and unlocking charms that would work with a word or phrase. Peter was looking up different methods of doing the actual mapping of such a large place like Hogwarts. I was trying to search for a way that we could charm the map to be able to see people's intentions for using the map when they used the spell "revealio". For example, if a student gets caught with the map and quickly locks it, a teacher would be suspicious and say "revealio." The map would then be able to sense the person's intentions and act accordingly.

This would be the hardest part, but it could allow for future Hogwarts students to be able to "stumble" upon the map, and be able to figure out how to use it.

It was around ten when I decided to turn in. James went with me, and we stopped down at the kitchens first for some apple pie that I was craving then went back up to our dormitories. And then I lay in bed, thinking about what had happened that day, and about Remus… and I realized that I needed Remus in my life as more than a friend. I decided that I was going to make sure that happened, and that I was totally clear about my intentions.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Sirius**

Totally clear of my intentions; what a load of bullshit. Well, no it wasn't, I really wanted Remus, and I wanted to show him that. But every time I would come close to dropping even the tiniest hint my heart jumped to my throat, I would sweat, and chicken out at the last moment. In fact, it had become increasingly difficult for me to say _anything _to Remus. Just looking at him got me tongue-tied. And it had been a month since I told myself that I would tell him. This was not me, Sirius; Mr. Confident. And people noticed; James asked me what was wrong, Remus asked if I was ill, and Peter was convinced that I had a secret to keep. Damn Wormtail, he was getting close to figuring it all out, and if he did, it would be totally disastrous. I figured the easiest way for it to get it out of my mouth was to get drunk. When I'm drunk; shit, I'll spill anything in the world, and I'd do anything. It's not like I would do things that I would otherwise not think of doing; I would do things that I didn't have the balls to do.

And tonight would be the perfect night to go out; it was a Friday night, and Remus had patrols; that covered his ass at least. We'll have ourselves a little boy's night out. I doubted that I would actually find the courage to tell him, but nevertheless, it was always fun to go out and get drunk. Speaking of the devil; Remus just walked in, covered with dirt and looking quite exhausted.

"Do my eyes deceive me, or does Moony look like he came back from some…Quidditch playing?"

"No, Pads, your eyes do not deceive you; I was out tossing the quaffle with Peter, he'll be up in a minute; he went down to the kitchens to fetch us all a light snack and some cold pumpkin juice" Remus looked like he had been craving this pumpkin juice for quite a while. I figured now would be a good time to lay my plans out.

"Hey Moonsie, how does a night out in Hogsmeade with Prongs, me, and Wormtail sound? We could get roaring drunk, you pick the bar." I knew Remus wasn't as fond of getting drunk as getting high, so I enticed him by letting him pick out his own bar.

"You know Padfoot, I was just craving a boys night out; but if you don't mind, full moon's in a week, and you know booze doesn't do me well; we can smoke some of that pot you had on the train." I had to say yes, if I said no then things would look suspicious. I was disappointed though; I'm not as outgoing when I'm high, but oh well, it'll have to do I guess. And knowing Remus, we'll be too high to go anywhere.

"Ok, deal, we'll get high, BUT we won't go to Hogsmeade; we'll just relax in the daffodil clearing in the forbidden forest, maybe invite Rose and a few others. Make it a hippy fest." He smiled, we always made fun of the not-quite-died-down hippy era, and the few "hippies" at school who did nothing but smoke pot. Just then Peter and James walked through the door and we divulged our plans to them, and ate biscuits.

"Just don't go looking for Rose right now, I hear she's up in the Astronomy tower with Gavin, you know the bloke, he announced it to all of Ravenclaw before they went. Fucking sleazebag, I went to warn her that he was telling everyone, but I couldn't find her." James was right, Gavin was a sleaze, and I pitied Rose.

"Well dinner is soon" I offered, " We could search for Patch, and Lovegood; they'll be in for a smoke." "Patch" and Paul Lovegood were two Ravenclaws and pretty much the biggest stoners in the school. Not a lot of people smoked weed, because it was a muggle thing, but some of the muggle-borns did, and Patch and Lovegood were the kings of them all. They were Ravenclaws, so despite the amount of mj they smoked, they always got good grades. They were pretty cool.

Dinner was pretty uneventful, unless you count Peter accidentally overturning a whole dish of pudding; we found Patch and Lovegood pretty quickly, and they seemed excited to finally smoke up some.

"It's been a week since we last smoked up, were dying here!" I laughed; a week was a long time to go without weed for Patch and Lovegood.

Rose came to dinner a couple of minutes late, and sat beside us, sure enough looking like she just came back from a shag. The whole Ravenclaw table was looking at her, and a few were catcalling. A feeling of pity rose in my chest for her, why does she do this to herself?

" Guys, why is everyone looking at me?" I coughed, Remus pretended to be absorbed in his book, James looked away, and Peter stuffed his mouth with food; none of us wanted to tell Rose that everyone in Ravenclaw knew what happened with her and Gavin.

"What!" She started with a whiney voice, "C'mon tell me! Is it Gavin? I bet that git told all his pathetic friends in Ravenclaw" She sighed, but otherwise didn't look too upset with the fact, which was a good thing.

"So!" I began, changing the subject, "Rose, you are invited to a smoke session, in daffodil clearing in the Forbidden Forest; Patch and Lovegood will be joining us."

"Awesome; I'll bring some of my stuff too…" I was looking forward to this more and more. It was a perfect night too, nice and warm, with a slight breeze, and a clear sky dotted with stars. We found the daffodil clearing back in our fourth year, while on one of our walks in the forest. It was the perfect place; I don't know exactly why, but it was just such a nice place to just chill. We put some large pillows to sit on, and made it our spot, only a couple of people; Patch, Lovegood, and Rose included knew about it.

**_Remus_**

"Haha ok Love.." Patch started.

"Good!" Sirius added.

"Hahaha Love and good; Lovegood." James clarified.

"The knight in shining armor, his love's good." We were all laughing hysterically at this point.

"Nah man, he didn't love good, he loved well!" Even when high I never fail to cringe at a grammatical mistake and correct people. And this made us laugh even harder.

"Hahaha yeah, Lovegood should change his name to Lovewell so Remus can stop, umm, so, yeah. Lets see, I think I was talking about Remus. Umm yeah, Lovegood and Remus. Something of that sort." James struggled for a moment, and I spit out the butterbeer I had in my mouth in laughter. We were quite stoned, and I don't thing anyone really knew what we they were talking about.

And my eyes were on Sirius the whole time. I was in a dangerous mood; a very outgoing mood. All my secrets were on the tip of my tongue, ready to tell Sirius. What did it matter anyway? Sirius was gay, that at least gave me a bit of a chance with him and wouldn't it be normal that he would want to snog one of his best friends? Snog. Not be in a relationship with, I'm sure… that's what I think I'm going to do; I'm going to kiss him, and what comes out of it comes out of it.

I leaned over to him, feeling oddly disconnected from the situation and I whispered in his ear, "Astronomy tower, just you and me, let's umm, look at the stars. Yeah the stars… they're bright you see."

He then smiled a smile I never really saw on him. It looks oddly seductive, but who knows, I might just be imagining things.

"Hey Rose; me and Remus are going up to the Tower for a bit, mind if we have one of the joints you rolled?" I saw Sirius' thinking; the walk to the Astronomy Tower was a long one, and we had smoked mostly his weed, so Rose owed him. I smiled at him, my eyes half open, and he let out a weak laugh….

We could hear owls, hooting into the night, they're calling soft. Crickets were making a racket. The grass was slightly damp beneath our feet as we walked onto the Quidditch pitch. The night was dark and the stars were big, there outlines a bit fuzzy looking. There was no moon out tonight. The Quidditch Pitch was perfect.

"Sirius, less stay here on the field, and we can spark that." He agreed and so we sat down on the damp grass and Sirius sparked the joint. The smoke escaped his partially parted lips in spiral like shapes. It looked just like the steam that arose from Amorentia that Slughorn showed us last week. As it went further and further from his lips it disappeared into the night, slowly breaking off and dispersing into the universe. He was beautiful.

I took the joint between my fingers and held it right up to my lips, and I took a hit too. I held it in for a bit and then slowly let it out. Too bad I can't see the smoke.

**Sirius**

We had finished the joint on the Quidditch field and were now laying down side by side, in silence. There was tension; you could feel it. I was coming so close to telling him, doing something, anything, but I couldn't. So I just looked at him. I looked into his eyes, and it was like the rest of me was paralyzed. He started to talk about something but I couldn't really understand him, all that was coming out was syllables. The sounds were slurred and awkward. And he kept talking, babbling really about nothing.

By now we were lying down on our sides, facing each other. Our faces were so close. Remus kept talking and I could nearly feel his warm breath on my face. I looked him in the eye and suddenly he stopped talking.

And then I leaned in and I kissed him on the lips. His lips were soft and firm. I pulled away and registered that the look on his face was that of pure shock. I kissed him again, testing the boundaries of friendship, and this time I felt the pressure from his lips too. He was kissing me back. The feeling of it; the feeling of being so close to someone, lips touching each other. And it wasn't just anybody. It was Remus. My lips still on his, I grinned, and then I deepened the kiss. I felt his tongue graze insistently on my lips; wanting entrance, and I hungrily obliged.

Our tongues were doing a dance with one another; circling, pushing, capturing, sucking. It was different from any one else I had kissed. Usually a kiss like this was with me and a girl, my hand shoving up her skirt. In that case the need, the desire would be pleasure. But pleasure wasn't what our lips, hands, and tongues were about now. They were about drinking in the beauty of the other person. The only desire being love and passion.

We broke off, and I stared into Remus' eyes trying to read his expression. Had he regretted it? Did he want more? No, that was not the case. The look that met mine was that of utter desire, and want. It was beautiful.

"Sirius, I… ever since second year… but I didn't think. And now, and you." It seemed as though Remus had lost his always meticulously kept composure and was not able to utter coherent sentences. So I offered mine instead.

"Remus, I don't know when I began feeling like this, but it has been a long time. But I was scared, so scared that you would think I'm a freak, or wouldn't feel the same way, so I hid the feeling I guess; I never dealt with it; only recently. It was you who made me realize I was gay. Remus, I care for you more deeply then I have ever cared for anyone, and definitely in a more than friends' way. Remus; do you feel the same?"

This was it, the moment where I find out what I had been seeking when I kissed him.

"Yes" and before he had a chance to say more, I kissed him again. We held each other until our dreams took over our consciousness….

"SIRIUS! REMUS! WAKE UP!" I opened one eye and saw Rose looking over us, the sun beginning to rise behind her.

"Shit! I can't believe we fell asleep what time is it? Where is everyone else?" I immediately sat up, forgetting that Remus was holding on to me, and he woke up too.

"Aww well isn't this adorable? I knew you were going after Remus! Well it's five o'clock and you two better get your arses inside or else you'll have hell to pay."

We didn't need telling twice and we started walking towards the castle, hand in hand.


End file.
